Talk:Sins of the Father/@comment-24101790-20170921161827
Let's start with some things that feel like they could be a bit stronger. There weren't too many issues that I could see ("“I’m sorry.(,)” I whisper as the transformation reaches its completion." and "Jesus, christ (Christ)…"), I was planning on revising them, but thought I'd wait to make sure I'm not missing a stylistic point as I know sometimes when someone doesn't capitalize a religious figure when they've lost their faith. I'll probably just remove this little section if it's something that wasn't intentional and gets fixed. "To call the beast a dog would be an injustice; half mastiff, half hellhound, he quickly became father's constant companion." I do like this opening, although I think a small physical description might help set the stage for why Tomas is unnerved by Maximus. That being said, the death scene later does indicate the animal's raw strength (taking a gunshot while still carrying out killing his master) so that's a debatable point. I think the half-mastiff, half-hellhound line sets up nicely for a little bit extra. I almost think that some of the dividers might need to be a little more pronounced like a break, asterisk, or title. Sections like: "Marx Industries, The Present" and "The Journal of Tomas Wicker, 6 March, 1902" do indicate a change in style/setting, but the length of the story does seem to have a more episodic/chapter-esque feel. I actually had to step away for a quick second while I clicked onto another tab and ended up having to take a little bit to find the section after I accidentally scrolled to the bottom. Now onto what I think as great: Pretty much everything else. I loved the Lovecraftian feel to the story and even though it is a period piece, it doesn't come across like it was overly-written. It felt natural which really helped to set the stage for latter half with Creed. I loved the descriptions, especially the Woman "It was a spiderlike monstrosity, majestic and terrible, its many limbs piercing the light, simultaneously feeding upon the universe while injecting its spawn into it. I realized that this was the Woman, whatever She may be, the totem my father held a beautiful lie she sold to the unwitting to aid in her endeavors, Her avatar that allowed her to walk in the realm of men without breaking their sanity. The creatures She birthed were stains upon the purity of existence, their purpose to prepare reality as a more savory meal for their mother, spreading Her darkness through hatred and fear. As I watched, it appeared reality was somehow fighting back; wherever the creature’s influence spread, small pinpricks shone gloriously brighter, lights in the dark." The ending is poignant and wraps up in a dramatic fashion that really delivers a strong conclusion to a good story. It has a very bittersweet quality to it. "The monster continues to tear and eat as we burn alive together. Somehow, I manage to lift my arms, pulling the creature close in an embrace as it rips into me. No child should have to pay for the sins of their father." I really feel like this is a story I could come back to and read the comments for things I may have missed or people's responses to it. Thanks for sharing.